I Am Not Who I Was
How Motherhood Changed Everything
As we inch closer to the new year, I notice this truth settles further into my chest and deeper into my bones; I am not who I was.
Since the birth of my first baby, I felt the departure. Almost as if her birth brought my own.
The reckless and undeniably beautiful selfishness of my twenties dissolved with each of my daughter’s milestones.
The more she needed me, the less I needed me.
Our Western culture warns us this is wrong.
But my intuition told me again and again, this was necessary for my growth.
I had to be utterly obliterated by motherhood, completely devoted to my daughter, to build the confidence I now hold today.
I had to wake for every feeding and stare into her eyes the way my mother could not.
I had to commit to not just months, but a lifetime of attachment-first parenting, in ways my parents weren’t capable.
I had to allow previous dreams to shift. Morphe. Flow. Even die.
And while I mourned what needed to be mourned, I held the strongest intention of surrender; I refused to let myself fight against what felt most natural and true.
It’s been three and a half years of motherhood.
Three and a half years of baby wearing. Co-sleeping. Breastfeeding.
Three and a half years of slowness.
Three and a half years of colds and stomach bugs. And contact naps. And their warm tears against my cheeks.
Three and a half years of claiming my way of motherhood as the right way for me.
The reality of motherhood today is that there are a lot of voices claiming their way is the only way.
Work. Don’t work.
Sleep train. Don’t Sleep train.
Formula. Breastfeed.
The list goes on.
I will never be in the business of telling a mother how she should parent.
But I will always be the mother claiming to follow her own intuition above anything or anyone.
I am not who I was.
My voice is stronger. But there is less to prove.
My circle is smaller. But there is much more depth.
My purpose is simpler. But there is real clarity.
My faith is fluid. But it’s never had more meaning.
Whether you are a mother or not, let this be a loving reminder that freedom starts the moment we accept who we are today.
Even if, and maybe especially if, you’re saying good-bye to parts of yourself.
Evolution can be both gentle and poignant.
We can choose to say good-bye with gratitude.
Onward and inward friends. And happy (almost) new year.
Love and respect for your great words an honouring to your gifts to be a mother embrace it own it and treasure it.
From a man who was always quietly hopeful and expecting to be at some stage the footsteps into the father who wanted to provide if nothing else his presence in his children's lives as the basis carrying right the way through to humility, calm self-assuredness, and temperance in all emotion's goals and dreams and the essence of themselves can contain the answers to all of their ideas realizations however the end result it is the journey that is important and not the end result or the perceptions or tools in which others will tell of answers providing delivery as the important part of any actualisation facts and soulless medicine is not to disagree
Gorgeous Linz, ily